xbetteroffunsaid:

very very raw.

I’ve always thought about dying. Not once did I deny it, lock it away in a box, beneath the shadows like other people do, no I was different. She always told me I was different. She said that’s why I was so special, and the exact reasons why she stayed around. Normally, she wouldn’t stay long anywhere. She wanted to see everything she could and do everything she could do. After all, she didn’t have much time. Or at least that’s what her doctors said. When I first met her I had no idea she was fighting the hardest battle of her life. She didn’t look like someone who should be sick, she didn’t deserve it, so I don’t know why on earth God made it that way; it angers me like no other. You know, I just figured she was one of those naturally skinny pale girls, either that or some anorexic girl who either couldn’t get a tan or wouldn’t leave her house. I would have never guessed she was a sick girl with a death wish. She didn’t look bad; I don’t even think I would be capable of picturing it. It just wasn’t her. She was so full of life, love, and happiness. I never fully understood how someone dying could be that happy, or how God could make someone who was so devoted to life, love, and happiness sick like that. It pained me to see her, to spend time with her, knowing in the back of my mind that I could lose her in the blink of an eye. Knowing that I could lose her that easily terrified me. Knowing that at any moment of the day I could lose my one and only best friend. The only one who I allowed to get close would end up gone. Just like that. I couldn’t bear the weight of that thought. I always figured that knowing about death, understanding it, and facing it would make it so much easier. But the day she died, I felt like part of me died along with her. Scratch that, I’m positive that part of me died along with her. She had half of my heart, if not more. She was everything to me, the only one who understood. I told her that if she ever died, I’d die with her; even if it meant suicide. I was ready and willing, if her she wouldn’t have told me what she did. She said, “I couldn’t life my life fully, so I need you to do that for me. I know it is going to be hard without me, but you’re a strong person. I believe in you. Fight until there is nothing left in you. You can’t give up; I need you to do this for me. Do everything we ever talked about doing, do more. Do it all in the remembrance of me. I will be with you forever. I am forever yours and I love you, never forget that. And if you have nothing left to live for, live for me”.  If it wasn’t for those words, I would be dead. I promise.